Today I went outside again, and got lightly sprinkled with rain. I had my leg on a board, sticking out from a wheelchair. I’ve watched Little Miss Sunshine, which I saw last year and thoroughly enjoyed both times. I love the open-ness of its comments on life and society. All the characters are interesting, a real mish-mash of potential, and all develop through the journey. In one of the critical moments, the Proust scholar uncle talks about how Proust saw the years of suffering as the ones where you learn the most. Perhaps that is so. One can also learn through not suffering, through joy. Through everything, I think. I’d like to do more of the joy learning. And always to some extent one chooses whether there is joy or suffering there. It is hard to find joy in pain, but it is possible to find ways of suffering less, or more, in anything.
The hard thing is when a part of oneself is resisting something very, very strongly. Anything – waiting, pain, lack of movement…the weather…anything. I suppose also desiring something very, very strongly as well. Although I find it easier these days to let go of that end. Depending on how physical the need or desire is.
I was thinking today of what I ‘had to’ do. Being in hospital, mostly immobile, one comes down to the basics. Obviously, the autonomic functions – but they are what happens, rather than what one ‘does’. You can focus your consciousness on your breathing, but it is rarely necessary to do so. The first level where consciousness begins to become necessary is elimination, although to some extent that will be automatic sooner or later, once consumption has taken place. Elimination being a major consideration when not independently mobile. Trying to keep everything working, trying to keep it happening at a time when it is possible to get help. Trying to involve the maximum amount of movement with the minimum amount of pain. All major considerations for me at the moment.
The next level of ‘have to’ and consciousness is drinking and eating. This does not just happen by itself, I do have to do something. It is not autonomic or inevitable.
It is amazing, being in here, how much time can be taken up by just these things: sleeping, eating, drinking, eliminating, moving. I could focus all my consciousness just on these.
Although I would be bored. I am very glad to read, write, talk, view as well. And blog. I am looking forward to reading other people’s communications again as well, I have only seen a few since I’ve been in here, since it is not actually wired and must be transported.
When my knee bends a little more and I can get about a little more independently, I’ll be going home. Balancing my enthusiasm to do so against the pain of pushing it. Although I’ve been told I can’t really push it too much. Every movement is good.