Letting go

Last night I felt a release. A release in holding myself tense. In holding myself responsible. Most particularly, in holding myself responsible for future outcomes, in blaming myself for them.Things are as they are. I am and I do and I have done everything that I can do, everything that it is in me to do, everything that it is me to do. This is all the responsibility I can have. I am what I am, that is what is, that’s all that’s meant to be. So it must be all right. I have more symptoms, even though I didn’t want any. The loss of feeling in my nose comes and goes, later in the day my face is tightening up, becoming less responsive to movement. My ‘good’ right leg is aching above the knee and at the top, and there is pain on the right hand side of my spine, low near the hip. I’d hoped to decrease the painkillers, but unfortunately this pain seems to be taking over from the other. I feel I need to start transferring the weight-bearing to the operated side. Fortunately, since the physio on Thurs, the mobility and strength are gradually improving on the left. I have been industriously bending the knee, using gravity, every hour or two, and it is loosening. I don’t want to use the right leg to lift it too much now, that leg is feeling tenuous. The letting go is helping me with this. Before, I would have first, tried to ignore the new symptoms, pretended they weren’t there, they were figments of my imagination. Then, I would have been angry. Disappointed. Struggling, resisting, and blaming myself that I haven’t been able to prevent this happening. Now. Well, I can’t say I have total equanimity about it. I’d much rather there was nothing else wrong. But I feel much more peaceful. I have done, and I am doing, everything that I am, everything that I can. So instead of resisting and fighting, I can go on, writing my blog, reading my friend’s writing, going to the movies, enjoying my meals. What happens next is just what happens next. In the present, I just am. 

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Filed under Cancer, Meditation, Philosophy, Spirituality

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