Peace changes

Thinking some more about having faith and letting go. It is not myself that I need to have faith in. It is the perfection of the universe. Which sometimes I can sense, when I am at peace. Peace is usually there in meditation, in chanting. I can feel myself as part of everything, the environment, all the other people, my children, every atom, every thing, and every thing as perfect, in this moment.  Sometimes that glow flows on to the more of the time. But even with letting go of the outcome, my feelings still change. It is not as though everything is resolved. I don’t know why I keep half expecting some kind of permanent peacefulness or acceptance, when I know that everything changes, no matter what resolution or state I’m currently in. I’m particularly aware of change since I feel like I’m ‘walking on the edge’ every time I take a step. I so want to just stay well for the next few weeks, but the pain in the right leg is not good. Also, the leg itself feels heavy and stiff when I move it. It is still manageable, but I think, is it going to hold up this time when I put weight on it? I can still hear the crunch of the bone that broke last month when all I did was put my foot down hard. I suppose I’d better give the orthopedic surgeons a call and talk about it.Even in my dreams I don’t walk now. That surprises me, as though something in me has forgotten it was ever easy.  Today I had Herceptin in the morning, and physio in the afternoon. The physio said the knee was going well. I feel a bit blurry today because I increased the pain medication a little.Writing also contributes to some temporary peacefulness. Writing and reading other people’s words.


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Filed under Cancer, Meditation, Philosophy, Spirituality

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