Loss

It’s been hard this afternoon. The feeling in my nose chased away as it has off and on, and hasn’t really come back over the past few hours. The left side of my face won’t move properly, and my left back molar feels loose, the gum has receded. Air feels cold in my numb nostrils, a strange curling sensation. When I lie flat, I don’t breathe comfortably, there is a wheeze and a tightness in my chest.   

I try to accept it all, that this is how it is. But I am still sad and I feel the loss. I do so want to keep at least this well for longer. The doctors told me last week not to walk much since the other leg was hurting. That has helped with that pain, although I was disappointed to not be increasing mobility. But still, the left leg has been getting better, more flexible, stronger, every day.  

No matter how much I philosophize, meditate, think, let go – there is no doubt about it – if things get better, everything is easier, and if they get worse, it is harder. I know it will change, one way or another. Even if things get worse, once I accept, it will get easier again. But the change itself, the thoughts, the feelings…they are still intense.  

Intensity. That is a part of being alive.   Mike and I will have a gin and tonic and watch Miss Marple on TV.  I played Scrabble with the kids this afternoon. That was fun. All part of being alive. Today.

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Filed under Cancer, Life, Meditation, Philosophy, Spirituality

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