To face reality or to look away?

How much is it necessary, right now (or next week), to face up to exactly what is happening in my body? I would rather wait. I would rather nothing was changing too, but it is…but is it changing urgently enough that I need to find out now? Couldn’t I wait and see, seeing as it all still bearable, and I can still live with it? I could just see if it stays bearable for next week, and the week of family, without having major new information from the extensive CT scan booked for next Tuesday. I can put it off. It is up to me.  

But then again, perhaps we’d all be better off with new information? Would it be better if we all knew exactly how everything is now? What is better? What way will we all be happier together? What way will we all have ‘better quality of life’? What is that, ‘quality of life’? Maybe sometimes quality of life is not looking at what it is still possible to ignore while it is still possible to hide from it… 

One thing I don’t accept is that the new information should decide whether or not I continue on Herceptin. I don’t think we’ve given it enough time.   

I did get to the pool this morning, and walked in the water. That was wonderful.


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Filed under Cancer, Life, Philosophy, Spirituality

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