Two days to shake the world

I’d thought of this title before I heard there was an earthquake in the
Solomon Islands last night, and a tsunami warning. Must have been something in the air. Or the earth.
 

Every moment is a challenge. Today is the day before my scan. Wednesday is the day to get results from the scan. The range of change, re-adjustment of perspective, from that could be from very good to very bad, to anything in between. It is scary. All the possibilities leap out at me.  

But what of today? This morning, my emotions are fragile. I try to let go of the inspector of feelings, and be gentle. The inspector would like me to have a really good day. The inspector finds it hard to think of anything good enough!  

This is the same when the inspector looks at what I did yesterday. We went to a Japanese association lunch. I didn’t get much physio practice in the morning. Then I did chi kung and meditation. Then we went to the pool. I got over-tired and took a few hours to recover from that.  The thing is, the point of it all for me – and for the inspector  – was sharing experiences with my children.  All the time, there was the inspector, wanting everything to glow and overflow with meaning and joy and significance.  I was walking in the water, talking to the children and Mike. We were having fun, it was fun. The inspector, though, felt we could be having more fun. The inspector judged that there should be something I could do to make this all more, for all of us, to make this a treasure, to make this spectacular…  

So hard for me to learn how the present does not bear the weight of constant assessment. That seeing that it just is a treasure is what is. That I can’t be or feel for others, either, only be with them and be what I am now.  

It is moment to moment what so many of us are trying to do with our life – live in its meaning. But that can only happen if we are not constantly judging and valuing.  

Watching the cat, lying on the bed. She just is being a cat, not wishing, longing, striving, for anything. 

Later

It’s 8pm now, and I’ve had a wonderful day. I did let go and be. I played Scrabble this afternoon with my nine year old, and focused on it, and had fun. We all went to the pool, and instead of evaluating I relaxed and we enjoyed it and I didn’t overdo it.  Now we are at home having Chinese takeaway for tea. All simple pleasures and all a delight and we will look at more world-shaking on the other days. Today was today, and it was wonderful and it still is. I accepted what it was instead of battling it to be something else. It was an opportunity all along.

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Filed under Cancer, Life, Philosophy, Spirituality

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