Gratitude and being

The most wonderful morning. The most wonderful now. I woke up, and my head is clear. I am myself. I am all here, what it is I call me. It is so welcome, I am so glad, so grateful to be here again.  

How to explain it? The past ten days, my head, my self, has been full of gaps. I called it fogginess, light-headedness. But it was more like a kind of hollow absence. Part of me aware that other parts of me just weren’t there. I felt this before they told me about the brain mets. And it had been getting worse, only feeling partly integrated as me, even lying flat.  

My consciousness told me, the self is illusory, there is no I. There is no self. You are just letting go of the self.  

But inside me was a lament. It was so hard for there to be anything but a lament, even surrounded by love and support. Who was surrounded? What was here? Am I being me? I didn’t know, as though I was remembering who I am. 

Yesterday, all the rest of my wonderful family arrived. We had fun. That is what we did. It was fun. And I relaxed into it, and I was there, and we all were. It is wonderful. And then I woke up today, and I feel like me. From the nourishment of my loved ones. From leaving all of it to the divinity of the universe. Who knows why or what’s next, but this is now. Now is wonderful. 




Filed under Cancer, Life, Philosophy, Spirituality

9 responses to “Gratitude and being

  1. myinneredge

    So happy you’re “back”…that you’re you feeling and being you and having fun! This now, this now, this wonder is ALL…you share it with us so deeply and completely. I bow to your courage and your capacity for joy!

  2. bardiasoroudi

    Hi, do you have an e-mail? Finding this website was very timely, I came to a few conclusions in the last couple of weeks and there was a new movement i needed to make, and your writings are syncing and helping with that. I loved the ‘eye of the storm’ especially, would love to talk with you. Inspiring and thrilling, enlivening.


    Bardia (the ‘0’ after the dionysus is the number zero.)

    basic info: my bodies 21 and I go to college in southern california.

  3. bardiasoroudi

    Oh yes, and also, I to, do Gongyo, and also my own meditation practice, plus thinking and wide range of reading.

  4. You have come across loud and clear and spoken directly to my heart today.

    You’ve helped me reaffirm the “Be Here Now” attitude that I am employing in my life in these todays we have more than ever.

    Thank you.

    ~ Gentle Hugs, Peace, love and understanding to you and your family ~

  5. Pingback: Gratitude. « A Bit Of Peace and Quiet

  6. chaitimeblog

    I came here by way of RubyShooZ’s blog and I am moved. I’ve had days like that where I wake up and feel completely “together”. It is absolutely lovely to read such a post because in spite of great difficulty you are able to experience gratitude. I am a breast cancer survivor and I’m nine years out from my original diagnosis, but I still wake up every day grateful that I have another day. And then, of course, there are those days when we don’t feel so wonderful, but I pray that you have far less of those than the kind you had today.

  7. I also found you by way of RubyShooZ’s blog. I am certainly glad I did, you are so inspiring. I am experiencing some of what you are going through with the light head, detatched feelings. To read of how you are dealing with your issues is a blessing to me. I thank you for sharing.
    I hope you don’t mind if I add you to my blog role.
    Bill – Dying Man’s Daily Journal

  8. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you today and wishing you all the best.

    My heart goes out to you.

  9. mother wintermoon

    I found you through Ruby Shooz and Radiant Woman. Thank you for being here and letting our lives be inspired and touched by yours. Thank you for sharing what needs to be shared with us, so that we can fully grasp the gratitude of being. Blessings of abundant peace and love, MW

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