Today was about letting small changes flow naturally into my time, letting go of the resistance. It wasn’t easy, but it did evolve, with degrees of acceptance. It increased my awareness of how letting go of little things on a moment to moment basis makes a big difference to enjoying and being in the present.
I didn’t sleep all that well. I kept thinking about waking up, because someone was calling at 8.30am, and coming around at 9am. Now, there is no need to wake up through the night to reflect on that, is there? But I did. Then I struggled to wake up. Then I got cranky waiting to eat – it was a short time, but I got cranky anyway, because I was tired, and because I thought ‘I would run out of time’ before the arrival. I ate. I got ready. No call yet. And I realised it didn’t matter. It was okay.
The call and visit did come, later, and were very good and enriching. But the challenge was the initial letting go.
In the afternoon, the physio adds new exercises to my program, and suggests I go walking in the public pool. I am delighted with this, but again – my mind sees problems. I want to go now! I have to hurry up! But today we have someone coming to fix things at home. Tomorrow I have a visitor at 10.30am, I have doctors’ appointments at 1pm, the kids need Mike to take them places in the afternoon. So when I come back from the physio, I spend most of my meditation time reflecting on when I can get to the pool. Try to change today? Cancel tomorrow morning? What shall I do, what shall I do? It goes round and round my head, I feel teary. All I want to do is go to the pool, why should it be so hard? Then again, why do I need to hurry? Oh, but I do, I do, I need my legs to get better…
So the thoughts and feelings go round and round. But gradually, I feel the still centre is there. I can go there, even though the other thoughts still flit and jump. I can watch them come and go, the worry, the attachment to doing now, to fitting in, to trying to do everything – because that is there too – if I go to the pool, I mightn’t have time to write my blog, write my stories, do the other neck exercises I planned to do…perhaps also I am not sitting in the right way to meditate, perhaps I am doing it wrong, not maximising my healing, trying to do too many things at once…and then it all lets go…it doesn’t matter…it’s all right…what I am doing is all right, it is what I am doing…it is what I am…
So the afternoon was peaceful. Listening to my son practise his trumpet (perhaps not everyone’s idea of peaceful…). Talking to my daughter and doing the leg (but not yet the neck) exercises.
When I check on the receding gum in my mouth, I feel a chalky space/texture under the gum line. It reminds me. I must enjoy now. I have enjoyed today. It would have been hard to enjoy if that tooth had broken. But it hasn’t broken, it doesn’t hurt. I didn’t go to the pool, but my leg is better. I let go of resistance. I keep enjoying today.